An Entire Newsletter About the Barbie Movie
On sharing power in heterosexual relationships
According to the (US) National Museum of Play, 90% of girls in America own a Barbie doll. The average girl owns ten. I imagine the statistics are similar in Canada. I fall in the other ten percent - the 10% of girls who have never owned one. Despite this, I watched “Barbie” in a packed cinema this week and I LOVED it.
Though it is not a perfect film, days later, the thing that I am still thinking about is a) a monologue from America Ferrera that made me teary and b) the relationship between Barbie and Ken.
The film opens in Barbie Land, where there are Barbies in every position of power. Barbies are doctors, the President, Supreme Court judges, astronauts, authors - Barbies are in every field, and of every description. Barbies are disabled, in hijab, fat, multi-racial. Ken is just Ken and he needs the warmth of Barbie’s gaze to have a good day. Barbies are in control of all power and systems and the Kens are marginal, superfluous.
CONTENT WARNING
[This is the time to turn away if you do not want to read any discussion of the plot of the film.]
As the film progresses Stereotypical Ken (played by Ryan Gosling) learns about patriarchy and that men have power in the “real world.” He brings those concepts back to Barbie Land and it shifts from a place where the Barbies are in control and the Kens are excluded to one where the Kens are in control and the Barbies are excluded.
The roles have shifted, but the system of dominance and marginalization is intact. Stereotypical Ken’s character arc is fascinating because he has never had a real place in society, and as a result, he is hurt and lacks purpose and identity. The power dynamic he exists in is the foundation of their created doll world.
The Kens reproduce the same power dynamic that excluded them and simply change who was in charge. Both Barbie and Ken experience what it is like to be marginalized, but the question that this film surfaces but does not directly answer is: How can power be shared in non-dominating, non hierarchical ways?
Since watching the film I’ve been pondering that question in the context of partnered relationship because the film doesn’t show any of the Barbies and Kens living together, and the primary protagonists of the film are “long-term long-distance low-commitment casual girlfriend/boyfriend”. (Even that term is a stretch to describe their connection).
At the end of the film, we don’t see how the Barbies and Kens build healthy togetherness and we don’t see a new place in which both Barbies and Kens are thriving. We go from seeing Barbie Land that has Dream Houses to Kendom that has “Mojo Dojo Casa Houses” but we never actually witness a new place where everyone can live, have a role independent from being in a relationship, contribute to broader society, be on purpose, uplift others and be uplifted. We don’t see them sharing power on a systems level or in their relationships in positive, non-dominating ways.
This is a film about imagination, about creating alternate realities and so this feels like a missed opportunity to imagine what shared power could look like societally and in the context of families.
And because I felt like something was missing, I started reading.
In thinking about this, I read a Psychology Today article titled “Differentiation is the Only Relationship Skill You Need” in which the author explains relationships require differentiation to thrive:
Differentiation is the ability to balance the autonomy and the attachment so it is not an either/or. The more differentiated you become, the closer these two forces become. Essentially, it is the ability to be connected to your thoughts, values, and feelings, while also being close to someone, especially when that person is very important to you. Alternatively, it could be defined as being close without being reactive. I like to define differentiation as simply being “big and together”."
The combination of two differentiation preferences creates the dynamic of a relationship and whether partners are overly connected, too separate, or too combative, vying for power. Figuring out how to have the right amount of space can be difficult. In the film there is a moment at the end where Barbie realizes how much the fear of losing autonomy resulted in her keeping Ken on the outside of her life. In a blog/podcast interview (the podcast is great!) from the Gottman Institute titled “Attachment and Differentiation in Relationships” guest Ellyn Bader talks about the tension between the fear of being engulfed and the fear of being abandoned and you see both of these dynamics in the central Barbie/Ken dynamic.
Getting to that healthy balance is not the work of love languages, it is solo, individual and systems work, connected to reckoning with one’s history, having personal sources of meaning, having access to opportunities, doing anti-oppression and co-liberation work, understanding power, and so many things. Given that this movie is being and will be watched by so many people of so many ages, I wished it had delved into this more. But at the end of the day, it is a film I thoroughly enjoyed.
Have you seen the film? What did you think? I’d love to hear from you.
💕👍🥰❤️😍