My autumn bucket list to take care of myself
A personal story of falling apart and trying to care for myself through the smallest actions possible.
I am in the Art Institute of Chicago sitting in front of a Matisse painting titled Woman Before an Aquarium. I am entranced by the woman in the portrait. She is sitting at a table carefully laid with pinecones and greenery. I imagine that the table is laid by a loved one who perhaps did not have the right words of comfort but who wanted to show her care. She looks tired. Her eyes are heavy and she sits at her kitchen table staring at and beyond the burnt orange fish swimming before her, grateful for their company that comes without any expectations of conversation. She is facing away from a latticed indigo screen and is far and deep within herself gathering up her resolve and strength to keep going.
I am a few weeks out from a loss when I see this picture. I stare at the picture for what feels like hours until I leave the Art Institute with more space in my chest, the tiniest bud of hope unfurling within me. In the years after that visit, this memory is a well I revisit at hard times.