On Extending Grace Inward and Outward

Yesterday I fought with my husband and anything he said that wasn’t a recognition of my experiences and an acceptance of harm caused was of no interest to me. The less I felt heard, the sharper my perspectives became.

I share this because recently I read scholar-practitioner Aftab Erfan’s incredible paper “The Many Faces of JEDI: A Developmental Exploration” , that outlines 7 different “action-logics” or ways of interpreting one’s surroundings and reacting when safety and power are challenged. The phrase JEDI refers to Justice, Equity, Diversity and Inclusion.

The paper asks the question: “What if our orientation to JEDI topics is coloured not only by our politics and ideologies, but also by our stages of development?” It outlines a developmental path of JEDI maturity where each action-logic offers different tools, perspectives and “capacities to deal with complexity” (p. 112). While there are seven action-logics in total, these stages are not linear and we can “regress” so to speak, when under pressure or stress.  The paper offers a path to consider one’s own development, insight into each action logic, and considerations for practice that include how we design JEDI education and the benefits of being explicit about our potentially differing motivations in doing equity work.

The paper invites us to ask this question when challenged: What is the grain of truth being offered here (in this action-logic), and how could this action-logic benefit/be invited into what is being discussed and in the managing of polarities (p.125)?

What helped bring these concepts home to me was considering my own relationship to the action-logics and how I can either feel challenged, challenge others, or feel grounded when faced with action-logics different from my own, depending on how much stress and depletion I feel at any given time. The more spaciousness I feel within myself, the better I am able to access my ability to see different points of view, see complexity and nuance, and be conscious of shared commitment to shared goals.

Which brings me to my second recommended read. Over the past couple of weeks I’ve been reading therapist Nedra Tawwab’s amazing book “Set Boundaries, Find Peace”, a book that has made me think more deeply about how I am in the world. Wondering what a boundary is and how to know if you need to work on yours? Tawwab explains that a sign we have boundary issues to work on include feeling overwhelmed, angry, and frustrated. (She defines a boundary as a clear expression of what we need, that we uphold through actions). Here are two of my main take-aways from this book:

a) Setting Self Boundaries takes Practice

Self boundaries, are the areas of our life that involve daily choices we make that affect the quality of our lives and who we are. When we cannot say no to ourselves, we have boundary work to do with ourselves. According to Tawwab, parts of our lives we should consider when it comes to self-boundaries include finances, time management, self-care, treatment from others, our own thoughts, our reactions and the people we allow in our lives. For me, these self boundaries are where a lot of my own boundary work lies, and yet, these are practices that ground my own ability to access “higher” action-logics so to speak, whether at home, in the world or in personal and professional relationships. I suspect if I had been less depleted for example, I would have been better able to hear and converse with my husband when I was upset.

b) Ask Yourself Why You Are Complaining
Tawwab describes the three types of complaining as venting, problem-solving and ruminating. Ruminating is when you complain about the same thing repeatedly. Tawwab advises that to stop chronic complaining, pay attention to how often you complain, share whether you are venting or looking for feedback and consciously consider the purpose of your conversation with others. And so all of last week before sharing or venting, I tried to pause and internally check in with myself about my own purpose for wanting to share, and what I was hoping would occur as a result. (Spoiler: It was very difficult but like a muscle I’m hoping it’ll get stronger).

Together these two readings were a reminder to pause and exhale, and see that in the same way I am striving for learning and growth in one space of learning, (my boundaries) and find it harder to practice and be expansive when I am feeling depleted, others too can embody less expansive action logics when trying to practice new ways of being.  I appreciate the hope of growth and possibility offered by the frame of action-logics, and inward and outward, I want to start this new week trying to extend grace.

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Loves

Intimacies by Katie Kitamura: My weekend read this week was this unusual novel about a unnamed protaganist working at The Hague, translating for war criminals. It is a slow-moving, contemplative book with precise language and an observant narrator who is never quite at the action of anything, but is keenly aware of everything around her. I recommend it because this book explores the questions: What does it mean to do work that impacts you on a heart level? How do you sustain yourself? How do you distance yourself (if that is the right approach) to keep going? Is it a bad thing if you are unaffected by the heartbreak and horror of the world?

The book also spends time showing how good translation is not about the translator, but about removing the layers between what is being said and language. I loved this novel, and read it slowly, delighting in the author’s writing and mastery of language because there are no extra words here. Every word conveys meaning. Days later, I’m still thinking about this book.

Abbott Elementary: Available on Global in Canada, this show is a weekly half hour of joy. How does change-making take place in systems that are under-resourced, have ineffective leadership, and where the risks of not succeeding are high? This show demonstrates that success happens through fractals - by embodying leadership and courage oneself, change is possible. It’s also made by the uber-talented Quinta Brunson and feels like the beginning of a show that will be around for a long time to come.

Food: In an attempt to use our Mini Instant Pot more, I made this amazing vegan wild rice recipe by Richa Sharma last week. I doubled the recipe but did not have the space to double the liquid, so it was not soup, but it was still good. (When I make it again though, I’ll keep to the original proportions of the recipe). This felt warm and comforting and just so so good.