On Finding the Easier Way and Other Commitments of Trust
When I was seven, I had two best friends in my class. They didn’t know each other before I introduced them, but we quickly became an inseparable group of three, until one day, they stopped talking to me outright. I had no idea why - they just stopped, pretending they couldn’t hear me when I spoke, ignoring me when I tried to get their attention, turning their backs if I approached our old hang out spots. It went on for months and months, until eventually either the school year ended or they just got tired of it and without explanation, resumed speaking. I mention this story because it shaped how I feel about social interactions and groups. I have individual friends, but I’ve always found it much harder to be in groups and try to interpret social norms and codes.
Deep below the surface, I think I’ve believed it is easier to be vigilant and safe, than trust and feel heartbreak. In previous work contexts, being a woman of colour in large institutions has reinforced that feeling. And my experience isn’t an isolated one; being in organizational settings can be an unsafe experience.
Those harms are clear to see; what is harder to see, however, is what we lose when we don’t allow ourselves to be interdependent. Without trust, it is hard to hope.
In December 2021 I caught COVID in Chicago and was unable to fly home for 14 days, could not leave my hotel room while quarantining and was stuck on a floor that had no other guests. Quarantine was a terrible experience, but it changed me, because I needed other people to help me get through it. When I came out of quarantine, I was pickpocketed, and had no money or IDs and days to go before I could go home. At that time, I needed help, and I was surprised at how people - and not systems, came through and assisted me.
Among other realizations, it made me recognise that all the good things worth having like friendship, love, the success of collaborative goals, and more, all lie on the other side of trust. Without it, we are limited both personally and in the work we are able to do.
And so I’ve been thinking a lot about trust recently. Here are some of the commitments of trust I’ve been thinking about in particular over the past week.
To trust ease
I’ve been thinking a lot this week about the book “Effortless” by Greg McKeown, and specifically, I’ve been thinking about the authors’ argument that modern life has created a dichotomy between essential and hard, where there is an assumption that hard is better. This isn’t necessarily true. The author asks:
“What if the biggest thing keeping us from doing what matters is the false assumption that it needs to take tremendous effort? What if, instead, we considered the possibility that the reason something is hard is because we haven’t found the easier way to do it?” (p.29)
“When strategy is so complex that each step feels akin to pushing a boulder up a hill, you should pause. Invert the problem. Ask: What’s the simplest way to achieve this result?” (p.39)
To be clear, ease doesn’t mean not being ambitious in goals, but rather, it means finding better, easier ways to get to those goals. ( I’ve been obsessed with the song “Actions Speak Louder than Words” from the Netflix musical “Tick Tick Boom” for example, and that song is a passionate argument for us to reach for the big goals.)
Searching for the ease, and where heat and energy is already in the system to get to those goals is valuable. Appreciative inquiry teaches us that what we focus on grows, and so all week, I’ve been trying to ask (and answer) that question: What is the simplest way to bring about the change I want/the thing I am trying to do? Does that solution work?
2. To trust my ability to show up
After being a recipient of thoughtful, generous care, I want to be a person who shows up better. In Mia Birdsong’s book “How We Show Up”, she describes different models of being in care with other people with whom you don’t share nuclear family bonds. That can take many forms, and can involve making a clear commitment to people who are your core responsibility. For example, she gives the example of a friend with diabetes who shares health information, travel details, whereabouts and other information that one might reserve for a partner or family member with her. This type of deep investment is not possible with everyone, but it is possible with a few people that you feel comfortable forging a deep commitment with. I’m not sure what such containers of care might look like for me personally, but I’m trying to begin by just trusting my ability to care and show up for others.
To trust my ability to try amidst my fear, and to recognise when failure is an okay risk
Last week I read South African author Shubnum Khan’s incredible book “How I Accidentally Became a Global Stock Photo and Other Strange and Wonderful Stories” (which alas is only available in South Africa and India at present) and I loved it. It is a collection of stories about wanting to explore the world. The description of wanting to see things and do things and being brave amidst your fear deeply resonated, and I appreciated the author’s description of feeling heartbroken and scared and trying anyway because good things lie on the other side of fear.
The book was a reminder that instead of trying to bubble wrap ourselves from harm, it is worth considering what is at risk, and taking risks that feel comfortable and reasonable (not necessarily easy, but reasonable) for you. For example, in the book Shubnum describes seeing children run down a mountain willing to fall, because falling would not be a disastrous event. She tries running down the mountain as well. For someone else, falling might be a disastrous event, and that is not a worthwhile risk to take. Knowing oneself determines the risks we can safely take.
And that is true when it comes to social change as well. Rather than bubble wrap projects from harm, and trying to get to perfection before we begin, it is important to have clear conversations about risk and comfort, to plan for unexpected outcomes and to have open conversations about what is needed to take risks together and trust one another. I wish I had boxes of this book to distribute but in the interim, I’m really hoping that this book will make its way to Canada.
Speaking of favourites..here are some of the things I’ve enjoyed this week:
Favourites to Recommend:
Tools:
When scheduling meetings where Outlook isn’t possible, this week I’ve been using the site Where to Meet, which has been a easier way of sharing availability.
To read:
Last week I read Notes of Grief by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, and I loved it. Written after the death of Adichie’s father, this short book is a description and notes of the author’s grief and her experiences immediately after her father’s death. It is a stunning description of grief, the ways in which grief can tear you apart, make you conscious of the love you feel, and change who you are as a person.
To Watch:
From TEDx Vienna, I loved the talk “How I faked being a billionaire so you could see NYC’s best views” (below) and its critique of property as a holder for surplus wealth.
To eat:
Pasta alla norma: Last week was an exceptionally busy week, but this eggplant pasta was a delightful experiment that kept us going over a few meals. With vegan parmesan and basil, roasted eggplant (I omitted the onions and wine) this really was very yum.