On the Bond Between Daughter in Laws and Father in Laws

I lost my father in law last week and though we didn’t know each other for a long time, he taught me a lot

My father in law passed away on the 12th of October, an unexpected passing, a loss that doesn’t quite seem real yet. (If you’re wondering why you haven’t received a newsletter recently, this is why.)

Naturally, his loss has made me think about our relationship. The first time we met was at the Johannesburg International Airport, three days before I got married. In that moment of entering the arrivals hall and getting my bearings, we looked at each other, and he said, “you must be my daughter in law.”

That is how our relationship began, without knowing who I was exactly, but trusting in me because I made someone he loved happy. But then we did get to know each other, and here are some of the moments and lessons of our time together I’ve been thinking about this week.

1. Apricot Muffins

   Soon after we returned from honeymoon, a friend of my husband invited us over for a gathering of friends; my first social occasion since the wedding. To contribute to the tea table at the gathering, I baked two trays of apricot muffins, one for home, one to take. It was a simple recipe, but I was nervous and apprehensive, hoping that food would say I’m new, please like me on my behalf, a sentiment that felt difficult to say aloud to a group of unfamiliar people.

   I’ll never forget my father in law’s reaction while the baking was taking place. He enthusiastically cheered on every step of the journey, heartily praising the smell of the baking, excitedly checking to see if they were done, trying them while they were still hot, visibly taking joy from the first bite, and taking pictures of me with the trays. It was a simple dessert, it wasn’t like I had made dinner, but his response was something I will always remember. It said, you’re here, we see you, welcome, I’m excited and grateful for the steps that you are trying to take to be part of your new home.

2. Affirmations

   Many people are not good with expressing their emotions, but my father in law made a point of telling me that he cared for me, that he loved me, missed me, that he was delighted to have a daughter and that I was good for his son. When he felt nervous to have a conversation directly with his son, he would check in with me about what was going on, and how he might shift differently and show up better. When I left three months after I got married to go to Canada for my South African visa, he would call and say that he missed me. From his words I got the sense that he accepted me fully from the beginning, that I was enough just as I was. The bond between parents and children is an instant inexplicable link, but it is an extraordinary person who treats their daughter in law as a daughter, and is generous with their love.

3. He cared about community

   My father in law was a doctor, and someone who cared deeply about palliative and hospice care. He thought a lot about quality of life. He told stories and cared about hyperlocal, neighbourhood history. I thought I knew that my father in law was someone who cared about the sick, who took the time to visit those who needed support. But from the time he was in the hospital before he passed away, and since then from visitors who have come to see us since the funeral, I have been astounded by the number of people I have spoken to who have shared stories about how Dad showed up for them and their family. I struggle with time management between work and home and caring for myself, and his passing has taught me about not just objective time, but about the blessing in time that emerges when we understand time to be abundant. This abundant thinking can enable you to achieve more.

4. Differences can be a powerful educational tool

   My father in law and I were very different people, with different conversation styles and different histories, but we respected and loved each other. We would quarrel at times, but in a kind way because we both strove hard to see the other person’s point of view. Knowing him was an education in the fact that when goals and values are the same, you can work through conflict and try to get to a deeper place of respect and understanding about why that point of view is valid and grow in a deeper understanding of yourself and others.

   An example: My father in law was an excellent clinician, and I am/(was?)terrified of doctors and don’t like questions about my health, so we would have conversations where I was resistant and he would try to help. To his credit, he tried to hear me and my emphatic declaration that I did not want to have medical conversations, he would forget and try again, and I would try and expand my own understanding of why this was important to him. Conflict has a negative connotation, knowing my father in law taught me that it can just be a generative presence, alive and vital, rather than something to be feared.

5. Loving what you do matters to the quality of your life

   My father in law loved medicine, and he was an excellent, careful doctor. A few months after I got married I sliced my fingers badly while cooking and bled terribly, and he carefully stitched my fingers up. Other times when I was sick, he was keen to offer advice. At the memorial service held at the company where he worked for almost 20 years, person after person spoke from the heart about how much care he took with his work, about the care he had for patients and their quality of life, the love he had for teaching and nurturing people, and just how evident it was that he loved his work. His legacy on the organization was enduring, and a lesson that work is not simply a means to an end, but a place for vibrant relationships, meaningful contributions, mentorship, friendship, and character growth.

   For these reasons and so many more, I’m grateful to have known him.