On trusting abundance and remembering geologic time
A no paywall first newsletter of the year about productivity culture and rest, learning about change management with my husband, a terrific podcast from the Mosquers Film Festival and reading slowly.
It’s easy to fall into productivity culture when it comes to rest.
In my last newsletter, I mentioned that my intention was to do nothing over the winter break, to set no goals or intentions for the year, and just stop. It turns out that this is surprisingly hard to do. Over Christmas/the new year, I received email after email offering tips on the best ways to be gentle and indulgent with oneself and the best reflection questions to close out the year. Even opening Instagram has meant seeing joyous, encouraging posts about ways to maximize rest and joy. I’ve seen posts about the best movies, the best books, and the best ways to optimize my joy in the year ahead. There is a seemingly endless slew of information and recommendations shrieking, “you don’t have much time, are you achieving the best deliverables from your rest? Are you having the most restful rest?”
Or at least, that is its impact on me.
Over the December break, I decided that I should commit to the practice of daily walks and weekly hikes in January. And so on Tuesday this week when I returned to my solo consulting practice, I found myself doing a type of optimization math, looking up the easiest hikes with the most scenic payoff, mapping out parks I hadn’t been to that I could now explore given my increased time flexibility, and urban walks I could take instead of an Uber to get errands done. I haven’t been out for a walk in weeks because of being ill, but suddenly maximization felt important. Perfection also made action difficult, and so in those two days, I just didn’t go for a walk at all.
White supremacy culture tripped me up.
One of the characteristics of white supremacy culture is either/or thinking. It can show up as seeing things as “either/or, yes/no, right or wrong in ways that reinforce urgency, one right way, and perfectionist thinking.” It’s related to one right way thinking, which can show up as “the belief that there is one right way of doing things.” It is “connected to the belief in an objective “perfect” that is both attainable and desirable for everyone.”
Unlearning these characteristics is a lifelong process. So despite feeling content and having an internal felt sense of having a good week, I’ve felt guilty about not doing what I was “supposed” to do, and not optimizing my newfound time. Eventually, what helped was this page from Maggie Smith’s incredible book “Keep Moving”.
Four weeks ago I was on part-time medical leave where if I wasn’t working I was in bed watching show after show because it felt difficult to do anything else. It felt difficult to chat, to see anyone, to go for walks around the block, to read, or do very much at all because of my painful heart and joints. It hurt to pray, to move—it even hurt while watching television, but low stakes storytelling helped distract me from the pain. I also had brain fog, and the more banal the show, the easier it was to stay focused on it and to manage my pain. Though I’ve been feeling a lot better lately, I’m still in pain, and I’m still tired.
I’m grateful for these glacial, geological shifts. I haven’t been hiking, but I now don’t need to be in bed watching television. Progress and growth looks different for everyone and from where I was six weeks ago, this feel tremendous.
Uncoupling oneself from productivity culture requires releasing yourself of unhelpful expectations, trusting in abundance and believing that your journey will unfold how it is meant to.
So though I said I wasn’t going to make any broad intentions, releasing any single time period from the responsibility of being spectacular is my one intention of the year. Instead of giving any particular but ordinary* day or moment too much weight, I want to see each time container as only one moment or decision, with ample opportunity to make different, equally good ones next time. This means doing the same neighbourhood walk or hike repeatedly and not interpreting that repetition as something negative about myself. It also means visiting new spots and creating room for it to not go perfectly. It includes visiting the same coffee shop over and over again, visiting new cafes, having tea at home and taking none of these experiences as data about who I am, but rather, simply part of a chain of moments.
This is easier and harder to do depending on how connected something is to my own scarcity thinking. I grew up around libraries and so books have always felt abundant, and I’ve never felt attached to any particular library visit. It cannot go badly because it’s not connected to my sense of self. Being from a first generation immigrant family though, outings, restaurants, travel, being in a walkable community feels much more tender, and my fear of not making the most of access now, or making the most of things I longed for once can make something like skipping a neighbourhood walk trigger lots of self doubt and critique. The casualness I feel in a bookstore, is I imagine, how some people feel about picnics or camping or weekends away.
*(ordinary because there are certain times when how you show up really matters)
Doing nothing over the break was also difficult because we began a project in late December to refresh our apartment. Our den has been my office for the past four years, and in this first stage of our home project, I moved my things out, sold my desk and the den became my husband’s new work space.
The refresh is by no means done, but so far it has involved Ikea trips, quizzes to figure out our individual and collective design aesthetic, (what would you say is your favourite texture? I asked in the middle of the night last week), visits to furniture and storage shops, conversations and messages to each other (An Instagram DM I sent last week: this couple lives in 600 square feet and have managed to store their 1000 books. The husband is a professional furnituremaker though-what do you think?) and shared Google documents and Google Slides as we tried to navigate our visions and our competing ways to get there. The whole process was and is, an ongoing lesson in change management, and what it means to hold differing levels of expertise and interest in a process and move it forward while remaining in good relationship with each other.
We have to consider these questions because my husband and I are not the same. He organizes his notes clearly and painstakingly, makes lists and executes rapidly, thinks ten steps ahead, and will include things in a project plan that will not cross my radar. I instead, will have screenshots gathered over years in no discernible filing system, tabs across devices and platforms, notes in my phone and iPad, thoughts scribbled in notebooks. In other contexts, this dynamic shifts. When we are talking about emotions and feelings, our energy levels switches places, our expertise changes.
Working together this break helped me better understand change processes overall, and how cognitively and energetically exhausting it can be to embrace household, organizational or system change.
Here are some of my change management lessons from trying to work together:
Tips for experts
It is hard being in the presence of an expert. Being the person/team holding a change is difficult too, but for those who are learning, expertise can be intimidating. It can be nerve-wracking to feel like you will make a mistake, and to feel like mistakes are not okay. That discomfort or fear or embarrassment can show up as resistance to change. For this reason, command and control approaches to change management do not work.
To support the work you are doing:
Go slow and map where everyone is at
To create a new shared reality, you need to understand where your partners and participants are starting from and their differing levels of comfort with the change ahead. While doing our home project for example, I got easily tired and frustrated. When reviewing potential floor plans my husband had put together, it was difficult to look at the 2-D pictures and understand where exactly the furniture would go in our living space. To work together, we had to slow down, create lots of space for my questions, allow for our different learning styles and notice where I was getting frustrated and confused. We planned breaks.
Find spaces of input and co-creation
Resistance lessens when there are opportunities for different people to meaningfully participate in the process. I went quickly from enthusiasm to discouragement when I realised that though I had brainstormed ideas, the design process was ten steps ahead. It felt like I couldn’t catch up, that there was no space for me, that my ideas didn’t matter. As an expert/knowledge holder this disappointment may not be evident to you. You may not realise how new your approaches are to those around you, and how far ahead you are. Or you may be aware of your expertise, and feel that the obvious path to success is others adopting your systems and your processes. For ultimate success though, shared ownership of any change process is important, and there must be spaces of input and co-creation.
Focus on one system at a time
In our apartment there are multiple upgrades that we want to do. Because my concentration was focused on the stage we were in at that moment though, I couldn’t think about multiple things at once. This true for systems change more broadly. It can be counterproductive to consider multiple projects.
In equity work for example, the Global Diversity, Equity and Inclusion Benchmarks are a tool used worldwide by organizations seeking to measure their progress in diversity, equity and inclusion and to develop strategy. The GDEIB operates on this same assertion: equity work must be staged, and there is an order in which change is created. In a publicly available memo from the Vancouver City Manager to City Council, Chief Equity Officer at the City of Vancouver Aftab Erfan describes this as follows:
The tool is built on an observation that organizations that progress towards DEI follow a broad and developmental path – they don’t just do one or two things (e.g. training all staff and setting diversity hiring targets) and they don’t go overnight from realizing that they need to do better to implementing best practices. Rather, a kind of scaffolding is necessary to support and sustain progress, and it is useful to understand an organization’s current maturity level in order to determine developmentally appropriate immediate next steps. Based on studying many organizations on this path, the 112 experts created the GDEIB as a system of organization and comprehensive map of progression.
Think about rewards
Practicing new or unfamiliar skills is hard work, and often requires encouragement to maintain interest and progress. (My love language is words of affirmation for example). Critique is not a reliable change management technique. As the holder of a change process, consider how are you meaningfully and authentically recognizing the work that others are doing to bring about change so that they can continue to feel motivated to keep going.
Tips for learners
It is hard to be a learner and get acclimatized to a change process, but it is hard to be around a learner when you hold expertise and are managing a change process. Necessary changes go more slowly, there is emotional labour involved, and learners who are unable to manage their discomfort can create harm.
To support the work you are doing, here are some tips:
Recognise that though you may be skilled and knowledgeable about many things, right now you are a learner.
It is hard to be in a space of unfamiliarity. It can feel uncomfortable and embarrassing to be a beginner, particularly when you may be an expert in other dimensions. It can be hard to access your more spacious thinking. Knowing this, and knowing your own particular reaction to being a novice can help you be better prepared.
Find teachers and coaches.
To support your participation in a change process, find teachers and coaches. For me this meant doing my own learning and homework, taking extra time, and finding 1-1 support when necessary. For example, I did a remote session with an IKEA designer for $20 who helped me build a room using the dimensions of our apartment because I couldn’t figure out how things would fit and needed some extra support.
Lean into the discomfort
Learning ultimately allows you discover more about yourself, explore new things and exercise new muscles. It can also feel dreadful, like walking on eggshells, and deeply stressful. Trying to visualize the positive things on the other side of the discomfort, and reframing the experience as a positive one can help you be a more beneficial participant.
If you are an expert or a learner looking for equity support, I am offering coaching this year. To learn more, make sure you’re subscribed here.
To Read
Breathing the Same Air
I'm a long time fan of author Aiysha Malik, and this first post of her new substack
is a powerful, beautiful description of a year without her mother. I've read it multiple times, shared it with others, and feel so grateful for her writing.A Winter of Grief
I would recommend this post even if it wasn’t written by my husband. It’s a tender and vulnerable read about grief, thoughtful resources on organizational healing and reflections on play.
Dual Citizens by Alix Ohlin
I’m a firm believer that you read books when you’re meant to. I bought this book in April 2020, but only read it this week. I absolutely loved it, and for the two days I was reading it, found it difficult to do very much else.
The book is set in Montreal and New York and is about two half-sisters named Lark and Robin, and told from the perspective of older sister Lark.
The book explores sisterhood, motherhood, finding one’s voice, creating chosen family, class, and art, and out of all of its themes, it was its discussion of creating art, and being an artist that most entranced me. Robin is a precocious pianist from childhood and when people hear her play, they want to teach her. Lark in contrast, does not seem to have any artistic talent. She studies. She collects facts. She excels in mathematics. At university she discovers film, and this discovery is akin to falling in love. Though she snuck into films as a child, she does not know much about movies, has no external connections to the industry, and finds it difficult to share in class, but she is in love. I majored in political science after three terms as a science student, and reading about her university journey made me ache to be a first year arts student.
Her love makes her keen and earnest. She attends office hours, takes copious notes from the professor she adores, finds a list of the top 100 best movies and sets out to watch them. There are no streaming services and she doesn’t have a TV, so moving through the list requires visits to the campus basement media centre and watching films in freezing temperatures.
To live with her sister, Lark forgoes the campus housing that is part of her financial aid package. Despite financial aid and scholarships, both sisters work to meet their living expenses and fund their art. Robin washes dishes at a local restaurant in a strip mall, they both work at a group home, and Lark works in a computer lab.
Through the journey of these characters this book asks: What does it mean to have taste? How does one develop it? Is it important to watch/read a traditional canon of “greats” for example? How do you gain skills and voice and experience without access, without residencies, without clear role models? Can you pursue a life dedicated to an artistic pursuit and still stay connected and true to yourself and how you wish to express your art?
In its discussion of films and editing this book made me appreciate films more, but more importantly, this book made me think about my own consumption of art. Less than the number of books I read, I want to read and watch things that are nourishing, and be a more attentive, slower reader this year. Reading improves your writing if you pay attention, and I love the TED talk below by Jacqueline Woodson about taking one’s time when reading.
Though I’ve never had reading goals, due to long COVID, being ill, and everything in between, this year I read 34 books. In the previous two years I read almost double that each year. I am okay with this change of pace, but given that it is harder to read while unwell, this year in particular I want to read, to listen to and to watch good things. I want to be nourished by the art I interact with.
To Watch
Paddington 2: This is not a brand-new movie, but my brother has been raving about this film and so we rented it this week. It was delightful and moving and made me cry. It is an all ages exploration of resistance to immigration, chosen family, abolition, and community. I haven’t watched the first film, but am curious to check it out now.
Kashif Pasta on centering Muslims and South Asians in Film - The Halal Gap
Kashif is my brother, but I loved this whole 90 minute interview, and would have watched it regardless. Here are some of my favourite take aways/quotes from the podcast:
“I don’t know how long my life will be, [..] so I can’t just wait for someone else to go through their own personal journey of figuring out I have value. [..] So much of it is in how you see yourself. And if you can value yourself, you can unlock a lot.”
“As much as I care about representation, I care about who is centred in a story, who is centred in a process, and where power really lies.”
“The more specific you can get on your own story, the more universal it becomes.”
“As communities, it’s really important that we spark and maintain our ability to imagine.”
“I go back and forth in time a lot in my head and reverse engineer /shoot forward 10-15 years. I ask: If I continue in this way do I like who I am? In ten years how will I look back on this moment, and which decision will I wish I had made? And if I know that, then let me just do that now.”
New Words
I came across 2 new words while reading this week - here are their definitions.
From Dual Citizens:
Acolyte (Merriam Webster definition)
Definition:
a. One who assists a member of the clergy in a liturgical service by performing minor duties
b. One who attends or assists a leader.
“The etymological origin of the word is “kéleuthos, a Greek noun that means "path" and that is itself the parent of akólouthos, an adjective that means "following."Akólouthos traveled from Greek, leaving offspring in Medieval Latin and Anglo-French; its English descendant, acolyte, emerged in the 14th century.”
From Braiding Sweetgrass:
Fecund (Cambridge Dictionary definition)
Definition:
a. Able to produce a lot of crops, fruit, babies, young animals (ex: fecund soil)
b. Producing or creating a lot of new things, ideas etc. (ex: a fecund imagination)
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