We are as here as we are ever going to be
Sometimes the thing with more potential to shift is not the life circumstance itself, but rather our response or internal orientation to it.
I had an appointment today at a hospital that I wasn’t familiar with beforehand. I didn’t know where the entrance of the hospital was or where I should go once I got inside. This was fine however, because hospitals are very good at wayfinding.
Instead of having to navigate a map, within the hospital there were several different “coloured lines” that charted a route to different destinations. As a visitor to the space, I appreciated being guided by a clearly laid out path that took me where I needed to go.
It’s not just hospitals and airports in which we need clear signage. Non-spatial wayfinding in the form of reminders, lessons, and guidance from those who have already walked or are further along the same path we are on in our own lives can be useful.
In this newsletter, I share two wayfinding resources. The first resource is my takeaways/notes from an episode of the “On Being” podcast between host Krista Tippett and Oliver Burkeman, the author of “Four Thousand Weeks”. Underneath the paywall, I reflect on five principles that may serve as a resource to help you sit with your own personal loss and grief.
1. Oliver Burkeman with Krista Tippett
I listened to the unedited, 90 minute version of this episode and my takeaways from the episode are below. There is also a transcript available on the episode page of the conversation - (something I only realized after I had taken my notes), but if you’d like to read the interview in its entirety check that out! I listened to this podcast while kayaking and while on walks, and so my notes are of my favourite parts of the interview rather than an exhaustive list.
Takeaways:
Oliver Burkeman: The sense of whether I have enough time to get to the end of my to-do list by the end of this week, that’s to do with fitting objects inside a container, somehow. And none of this is actually what time is, right? We don’t have it — I don’t have five hours to get through my work at a given period, I just have this one moment, and anything could happen in the next one.
Krista Tippett: What we pay attention to defines us and defines reality for us.
We’re going to have to not do a lot of things that we would like to do, in order to really invest and really be present to the things that are going to make our lives worth living and that we are specifically called to, either by where we are or who we are, what our gifts are, or just the place we find ourselves in and its needs.
It’s a relief to know that there will be neglected, missed opportunities, that there will be losses, that it is in the nature of vitality that there is loss. And part of this time management mentality that we have is that somehow you can salvage it all, that somehow you can manage it all and not have to sacrifice anything.
Oliver Burkeman: There is an incredible relief that something you had been trying to do and thought your sense of self worth was dependent upon, was structurally impossible, logically impossible. It’s not that you hadn’t just quite found enough self discipline or the right techniques to do it, it’s just not part of the human gift.
It’s a relief and you can stop beating yourself up about something that nobody could be expected to do.
That then enables you to be here now and show up in this moment and sort of have faith and trust in reality to go okay, and not to need to get to point where you feel like you have to have all your ducks in a row and know how the next x number of years unfold. But just to sort of abandon yourself to this moment and really be here instead of holding back and not quite being here because you haven’t quite gotten to the point where it’s all certain.
Krista Tippett (quoting Marie-Louise von Franz): There is a strange attitude or feeling that one is not yet in real life. For the time being one is doing this or that but whether it is a relationship with a woman or a job it is not yet what is really wanted. And there is always the fantasy that sometime in the future the real thing will come about. Though one thing that is dreaded throughout by such a type of [person] is to be bound to anything whatever. There is a terrific fear of being pinned down, of entering space and time completely. Of being the unique human that one is.
Oliver Burkeman: There is a notion that it’s going to be later that we have things together, that there will be a moment of truth and that’s when we are going to enter into things. It’s already not true. We’re already as here as we are ever going to be. There is that shift that comes from almost resigning yourself to the fact. There is a sort of inner entering into it that you can choose to do or not choose to do and life just sort of feels like a dress rehearsal until you do.
Krista Tippett: That idea of wanting to get to real life is so much associated with childhood and adolescence. You say that those moments life shows its resistance to our plans, we enter into a new and more honest relationship with time.
Oliver Burkeman: Everything worth doing, everything creative, generative, growth oriented. Loss is the inevitable flip side of that. There is a duality of experience. It occurs in everything all through the day, work, everything. That to do anything is to forgo all sorts of other things. To move to a different place is to no longer be in the other place. There is that absolute unescapable duality. This isn’t a recipe for making the pain go away but I experience an amazing drop of my shoulders whenever I can recall that this is just built in. This is how it is. It’s not because I didn’t find the sneaky way out to it yet. And if you do this a little bit more it starts to justify itself as a way of living, because you do have a bit more faith in things unfolding. And then you do it for a few days and things just carry on unfolding and it was okay and in that way, you can ease your way into it.
2. Lessons from Miscarriages
The second wayfinding resource I want to share relates to being present in your life at every life stage.
I’ve had multiple miscarriages over the past several years. [Often when I share this, I get messages relaying condolences or prayers. And while these are kind sentiments, please know I am sharing something that is processed, healed and accepted for the most part.]
But I mention it today because whether or not you’ve experienced that specific type of loss, we will all encounter challenging “mid-intensity” life events. It is natural in those moments to attempt to “skip over the hard parts”, to distract ourselves, to seek control, to try and get to certainty as fast as possible.
When it comes to recurrent miscarriages for example, 50% of recurrent loss has no identifiable cause. This is emotionally very challenging. In one study women with recurrent miscarriage reported significantly lower level of quality of life in all domains (physical, general health, vitality, social functioning, emotional, and mental health). Other studies document psychological consequences including increases in the risk of anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and suicide. No matter who you ask, it deeply impacts your mental health.
Despite this, I am struck by how homogenous the stories of miscarriages can be. For the most part, you are strongly encouraged through the medical system, through memoirs and books about the topic, through cultural and community networks to “never give up” and to try more and more things. While I’m not suggesting framing loss through toxic positivity, there is surprisingly little said about finding joy, beauty, meaning as your life is today.
And while that is not “bad” exactly, there is a danger that in that process you can miss the beauty of your actual life. You can live in the not guaranteed future forever, hoping joy, contentment and stability lie on the other side of a positive resolution of the thing you’ve been struggling with.
This risk of postponed living is not limited to miscarriages alone though. It exists in narratives about life beginning when you are no longer single, when you’ve bought a home, when you are at your ideal weight, when you are in the right job, the list goes on. We are uncomfortable with the idea that many things are outside of our control that are not easily “solvable”, that sometimes the thing with more potential to shift is not the life circumstance itself, but rather our response or internal orientation to it.
Below, behind the paywall are five principles that have helped me cope with my particular set of life circumstances. Grief is universal, and I hope they help you work through your own specific struggle as well.